Hurdles

I have been running for 15 days now and, aside from learning a lot from runnersworld.com (amazing site, btw), I have learned one main, surprising, thing about myself.

I mentally limit myself. I didn’t know I did this, but I do, and I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one.

When I began preaching, I knew I couldn’t do it. And the first time I tried, I found out I was right. I failed, I said “I quit” in the microphone, and I tried to walk off the stage (my wonderful classmates kept me going). When I passed the mental block I’ll call “the fear of validating the fear that I’ll never be a good pastor,” I took off, kind of like a hurdler who sprints off after jumping over a hurdle.

Similarly, like a hurdler, sprinting forward only led me to another hurdle. I’ll spare the details of the many mental blocks I’ve had to push through in my life and speed up to the two most prevalent in my life now:

1. Running.
Running has been an “object lesson” for me. When I began a mere 15 days ago, my crazy far goal would be to get to a lamp post or a bench maybe two minutes away. When I got that down, I thought “maybe to the dock.” It hasn’t taken me long to realize that my goals are being set by my doubts. My body can make it to the dock, and in reality way past the dock. Its my mind that thinks I can’t. Yesterday, this lesson was most obvious: After about 20 minutes of intervals, I began my next segment of running by thinking “I will run about a minute, then walk. I am so tired I can’t run more than a minute.” Except, I got lost in my iPod playlist and ran .7 miles. Now my mental block = gone.

2. Praying.
I know I need to pray more. Its more than guilt driven, its like when a friend asks you to quit a bad habit. “Stop smoking,” or something. Its like God is saying, “Stop wasting time. Get serious. Start praying.” My mental block says I can’t. I know that after I jump over my mental hurdle (when my mind says, “You need to take a break”) I can actually run at least twice as long after that. I know that I can pray longer, with more focus, and with more effort. I just need to jump over the hurdles that are keeping me out of the race. “I can try, but I’ll never be as spiritual as she is.” “I can’t focus for that long.” “I will do well for a few days, then quit. Why even try.” Sound familiar? I say these, and more, probably every day.

I began running to train my body. Now I realize I am training my mind. I want to be training my spirit. I am learning that spirituality is holistic. I am learning what it means to love Him with heart, soul, mind, and strength.

The Message

ヨハネ　３：１６：”実に神は、ひとり子をさえ惜しまず与えるほどに、世を愛してくださいました。 それは、神の御子を信じる者が、だれ一人滅びず、永遠のいのちを得るためです.”

I was thinking today about Saki and Miki, two of the girls that I met in Japan. I remember sitting next to the beer vending machine helping them find and read their first scripture ever. They had zero concept of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the gospel message, or how they are supposed to “feel” in church. I remember asking them how they felt after accepting Christ and they said, “I feel warm inside” and “I feel like I can breathe now.” Wow. I love that honest description of the intimacy of the Holy Spirit in their lives. Sometimes I wonder how much of my desire to worship is born from a genuine desire to honor Him and how much is induced by modulations and swells in music. Then I read the scripture above, the same one Saki and Miki read, and I feel how they felt in that moment in the quietness of this seminary library.

I encourage you, if you’re feeling lost today or just “disconnected” from God, meditate on the scriptures. Give the Holy Spirit some time to work in your life. Try reading your favorite scripture in the Message translation.

John 3:16: “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.”

When church sticks with you…

“Did you know when feel hungry you’re usually just thirsty?” ~ Joel.
“And by the time you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.” ~ Grace.
“And when you’re dehydrated, you’re already dead.” ~ Luke.

Haha.

I don’t know if this memory from spring break can be manipulated into any kind of spiritual metaphor, but did make me smile when I thought of it just now

There is an actual point to this entry. It goes like this: almost every Sunday I go to church and hear a great message, enjoy worship, and oftentimes because our congregation is spiritually sensitive someone will have a word of prophesy. All these things help me grow in the Lord from week to week, however most Sundays while the fruit of the service nurtures my spiritual life, what I actually ate does not stick with me. Church doesn’t usually stick with me.

But sometimes it does. For example, I heard a sermon this summer entitled “Where is God in suffering?” (or something like that) which has stuck with me for months. I often think about it and share that sermon with others.

One day in church, maybe back in November, a woman at my church in Minneapolis had a vision that she shared with the church. She said that she saw a person fighting with a bull. The person thought they had the bull by the horns, but instead the bull really had them. It was a metaphor for sin in our life. We may think we are just flirting with a small sin but we have it under control, but in reality we are opening up our lives and allowing satan to build a stronghold. We may think we are controlling satan but in reality, he is controlling us.

That thought has stayed with me. Every time I catch myself flirting with sin, thinking that I am the one in control… the “I can stop anytime I want to” attitude… I remember this vision. It has kept me from going down the wrong path many times in the past few months. I hope it encourages you too!

Servant Leadership

I am reading a book called Spiritual Leadership by J. Oswald Sanders. Even though I was told before I started reading that it was the best book on leadership, I still wasn’t expecting much. I don’t tend to put a lot of effort into reading (which is an area that I need to grow in), so I don’t get a lot out of books.

So, it’s kind of ironic that the first idea that really grabbed me caught my attention because I misread while skimming. At the end of the second chapter, Sanders quotes(?) a poem which goes like this:

Because we children of Adam want to become great, He became small.
Because we will not stoop, He humbled Himself.
Because we want to rule, He came to serve.

I have heard over and over and read book after book about how Jesus was a servant leader. I memorized Mark 10 in Missionettes. I’ll bet that the North Central student body collectively has heard so many lectures and sermons about how Jesus modeled servant leadership while He was on Earth that we could write our own textbooks ten times over for our Leadership Development class (aka “How Jesus was a Servant Leader and Why You Should be Too”). But I have always studied about how Jesus servant-led on Earth 2,000 years ago. Jesus was a servant leader. “Because we want to rule, He came to serve.”

Yesterday I was reading too fast over the poem and misread it. Instead of past tense, I read it in present tense: “Because we want to rule, He comes to serve.” (Try to forget for a minute that Jesus is not currently “coming” anywhere but is in Heaven for the time being.) Reading the tense wrong made me realize this: Jesus is still my servant leader.

When I’m having a bad day, He serves me by listening to me cry and comforting me. He tells me how much He loves me in the most intimate of ways. Because I sin, He is in constant intercession on my behalf with the Father. When I am happy, He rejoices with me. When I feel unusable, He washes my feet. It is incredible to think that He- JESUS! – leads me by serving me! I don’t believe this because I think I deserve these actions from Jesus. I know I don’t deserve it, but He thinks I’m worth it. What a humbling thought. What an incredible Savior we have! The One who created the entire universe could rule with cruelty and harsh control, but with the absolute power that He possesses He chooses to rule by continually giving of Himself for us.

The cross was only once- but His devotion to us is eternal.

How could I not follow His lead?

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My facebook status

My current Facebook status is: “Grace’s heart is pounding. oh my GOD.”

Reason #1: adrenaline.
The excitement I talked about it my last post is still there. Multiplied. I’ve been sleeping about 5 hours a night since then. That’s been tough on me since it’s KIDZ KABOOM week, but thankfully I wake up just as excited and full of energy as when I went to sleep. The energy fades toward the end of the day… dramatically fades… but I guarantee in about an hour I’ll be dancing again.

Reason #2: God. And adrenaline.
One Hour With God was amazing. Spending time in God’s presence tonight was like… falling into bed after a long day… it was such a relief! I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sit and talk with God. About half way through, Pastor Jeff asked me to pray for Kidz Kaboom. In all honesty, I said “no” because I was so tired. Like saying “no” would actually work! I got up and prayed for Kidz Kaboom. Within a couple of minutes of finishing, I forgot I prayed. After the service ended, P. Jeff came up to me and commented about how when we’re tired the Holy Spirit takes over! It’s so true. I didn’t even remember praying. The Holy Spirit definitely took over! He’s so good like that

Reason #3: Surprises.
An e-mail from Pastor Nate. In August, I will be visiting his church in Michigan. I am so excited! I know it is going to be a great trip. As I’ve been reading his blog, I can see that God is doing amazing things there. I can’t wait to take part in it! (Reason #3 1/2… an e-mail Dr. Freitag and Michael White got from Pastor Nate…)

There’s one more reason I can’t write about yet. When I can, trust me, I will write my heart out about it!

Life with God is always an adventure. His love makes my heart pound.

Excitement

I have not felt as excited as I am right now since I arrived in Pittsburgh. I can hardly contain it. Cornerstone TV was amazing tonight – I spent an hour on the phones praying with callers, crying with them, standing with them while we prayed for everything under the sun. (Seriously. Catch me in person and I will tell you a crazy story!)

After CTV, we (P. Chris and P. Kate, Laura, Drew, Brendan, Bridget, and Holly) went out to eat. It was so much fun! I was really talkative (less than normal, but WAY more than normal in Pittsburgh!). I don’t know if I made a lot of sense, but I was so eager to talk about the amazingness of God after my time on the phone lines. I talked about the time Jolene got attacked at the Yellow Building and everyone came back to the sanctuary. I talked about that crazy Celtic band that played prophetically and the walls of our chapel literally shook. I talked about when that student got delivered at Praise Gathering! I talked about our beloved Sanctuary at NCU and how we spent hours into the night there. God has done so many amazing things at NCU! I don’t think I made any sense; I was too excited!

I forgot to talk about the glitter that appeared all over the altar and on people’s hands. (If you ever see me inspecting my hands at the altar, now you know why!)

I talked about God sized dreams ~ a few weeks ago, I was praying for Japan and I found myself praying that one person would get saved. I felt like God was telling me to pray bigger. So I prayed, “Fill the church.” Bigger. “Osaka?” Bigger. “Osaka and Tokyo?” Bigger. “Japan?!” Even bigger. “All of Asia???” I asked God. This seemed big enough, so I began to pray for all of Asia to be saved. After praying in faith for an entire continent, I realized how little my faith had been just minutes earlier. I couldn’t believe my dream was only for one person (this is not about the APC one person vision). God’s plans are so much bigger than ours! The only way they won’t get accomplished is if we don’t get on board! I don’t know about you but that makes me want to jump up and down with excitement! Imagine – not just the North Hills, not just Pittsburgh, not just Pennsylvania, but the entire US saved! ~ That’s a God sized dream that He can use us to accomplish if we’re willing and ready to dream God sized dreams and walk in God’s power to do His will!

Something else that makes me excited: Jesus Life House. This is what a friend wrote in her blog today:

梅雨やね~
it’in rainy season…
ジトジト暑いよ～
its so humid and hot recently…
でもチャーチは良い意味で熱いで！！
but！ church is hot in a good way！

(if the characters don’t display right, it’s in Japanese.)

That makes me excited!

I often joke that “excited” is the word I use most. It’s true at school. I get so excited I run up and down the halls screaming and dancing! I get excited for EVERYTHING. But that excitement has been lost at Allison Park. I don’t know what happened. But the past is the past. I’m going to try my best to keep the excitement I have right now going strong!

I’ll post a link of the CTV program here soon!

Unity

Ephesians 4:3-6: Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

In March, I went on a missions trip to Japan. It was an amazing experience and I had an awesome team of people I went with. Before I tell the story that goes along with the verse above, I just want to clarify – I love my ninedays Japan team!

Okay, story time: About half way through the trip, one of the team members said something mean to me and I was really hurt by it. It almost ruined my entire day. Have you ever gotten upset by someone and spent hours thinking about what you should have said back, or crafting the perfect insult, or just sulking? That was me. I remember a few hours later I was still really bothered by what this person had said. I was walking on a train platform (which is what we did 25% of the time in Japan lol) and I actually asked the Lord, “Would it be okay if I didn’t talk to this person for the rest of the day?” Believe it or not, I actually expected God to say, “Yes. That person was wrong. You don’t have to talk to them.” Instead, He asked me a question.

“Is this petty argument worth sacrificing your greatest weapon?”

I knew He was talking about our unity. As the Body of Christ, it is so important that we stay unified. Once we start becoming divided, whether it be by actions that hurt, words someone said, or simple thoughts against one another in our minds, we cannot be an effective church. Think of an army (which is what we are). How effective would an army be if they were divided in battle?

It was hard for me to forgive the person who hurt me that day but in the end I knew that the silly words they hurt me with and my hurt feelings were NOT WORTH sacrificing our unity over! It is a challenge in my own life to quickly forgive and not let hurt feelings turn to anger or bitterness. But honestly, is there anything that is important enough to hand over our weapons to the enemy?

Nope!

The Difference

For Community Care Day, I am helping organize a free cookout for the local heroes of West View, PA. I’m a little nervous for it, but mostly I’m just excited. I can’t wait for this Saturday. I just looked up the weather report and it said there were scattered thunderstorms that day. Not quite cookout weather, right? If it rains that day, it would create a lot of problems!

Here’s the reason for the blog post: When I saw the weather report, my mind immediately flashed back to last summer. I remember organizing events for Harvest Church and having a feeling of sheer panic every time I realized something wouldn’t go to plan. And I wouldn’t just panic when something came up. I was paranoid all the time. I was just waiting for the moment that I would realize I had made some huge mistake and everyone would know I had failed. Maybe I should say, everyone would know I was a failure.

God has done some big stuff in my life.

I didn’t realize how much He had changed me until I started working at APC. Little things have gone wrong. I’ve screwed up some things. But for the first time in my life I am not panicking. I don’t feel like a failure. I am not paranoid 24/7. In fact, I am openly telling people when I screw up. Last summer, I felt so sick over mistakes that I made that I couldn’t write in my journal without shaking. I know this change comes from the confidence that He has given me and the truth that He has put inside me that I am not a failure. God’s truth truly does bring freedom!

Protected: Me without my shell. (too much truth for the public eye. comment the previous entry for the password.)

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